I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
