just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
