I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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