We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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