so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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