I just threw up on my dentist
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
third nipple confirmed
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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