I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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