i barfeds in our rink
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
