How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
