I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
