I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I looked at my own cervix.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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