Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
