I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
