Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
