Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
