Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
