the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
