It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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