I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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