Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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