I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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