upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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