if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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