Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
