i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
splinters make it hard to masturbate
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
