So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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