Swine flu. Run for my life!
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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