The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
