I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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