She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
