She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
