i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just found puke in my bra..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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