pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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