I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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