I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
