The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
