if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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