I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
