dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
