I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
