just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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