I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
