Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
