She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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