Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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