he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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