Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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