umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
