he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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