Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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