I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
