i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
