She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
