Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
