Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
