I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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