dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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