the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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